Cenacle (Part 1): Musings of Thomas

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Dealing with ourselves as a  Bunch of Guilt-ridden, Cowardly Confused, Contrite and Nostalgic Disciples

Musings of Thomas …..

“These four walls of this Upper Room are filled with murals of memories of all sorts. Jesus, our Teacher and our Master for the last three plus years has brought us here a number of times. Within these four walls, we have gathered, we talked, we prayed, we have eaten and have listened on several occasions.

But the last one was the Passover Meal.

It was here  in this room he washed our feet and exhorted us.

It was here in this room he broke the Bread and shared the Cup of Wine transforming them into his own Body and Blood. It is here in this room he gave his Farewell Discourse.

But now we are here in this room neck deep in depression and our heads heavy and hanging in shame and our hearts filled with remorse and repentance. It is from here we got dispersed and did run away leaving him alone to face the betrayal and the trail and the torture and tormenting.

After the crucifixion. asneaked into this room one by one  we didn’t have the energy to talk with each other.

We were sad.

We were in shock.

We were almost ashamed to look at each other.

We blamed ourselves for abandoning him in his hour of agony.

We felt angry about the betrayal of Judas and felt sad for his tragic end.

Peter was often in tears weeping and wailing for having disowned his Master.

We felt extremely guilty for having disbelieved his Resurrection…

Then we started to share:

our memories of the discourses,

our memoris of  his stories and of his miracles..

We competed among ourselves in owning up our share of ingratitude and unbelief.

And thus we spent our first days after the crucifixion of our Lord and Master.

Then we started to grapple with the incredible yet inevitable reality of his Resurrection. …”

Dear Jesus, My Risen Lord and Master,

As you know I too have a  kind of Upper Room of my own personal life.

Often i dread to enter inside.

I dare not to stay there.

And even when i enter I’m scared

Because :

I don’t want to face myself.

I don’t want to face my own ugly and shameful past of betrayals and abandoning.

But I do  want to enter inside and stay there…

And force myself to face my own guilt and failures!

Dear Jesus, the Risen Lord,

I bring before you:

Everyone of my loved ones.

Everyone of my enemies who were and are.

Everyone who loves as well as hates me.

Everyone whom I love and whom i hate.

Everyone who helps me and who don’t.

Everyone whom i have lead astray.

Everyone who is sick and needs healing.

Everyone who is in despair and needs hope.

Every priest who is in need of prayers.

Everyone who has met with me!

Oh, Jesus, My Lord and My God,

I thank You,

I thank the Father,

I thank the Spirit,

For Your Unsolicited gift of life for me!

For Your Uncountable blessings for me!

For Your Unlimited Patience with me!

For Your Untold Forgiveness for me!

For Your Unflinching faith in me!

For Your Unfailing Hope in me!

For Your Unconditional Love of me!

Amen

JoAchan

Fr Joe Kallani is a Pallotine priest who describes himself as the "prodigal priest in process." He had his academic studies in Indian Philosophy (India), Sacred Scriptures(Rome), Psychology (USA). Monologues is a column Fr Kallani writes for Arpanam.com He states that these reflections are neither pure scientific exegesis nor are they any highly theological explanations. They are a sort of devotional musings and monologues mainly meant for personal renewal and spiritual growth. He can be reached via Joachenmonologues@gmail.com

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